Monday, December 18, 2006

An open letter to Brady Quinn

You’re Brady Quinn. You’re the quarterback of America’s most popular college football team, you just finished 3rd in this year’s Heisman trophy voting, and you’re nearing the end of a two-year internship under a coach who owns four Super Bowl rings and turns quarterbacks into gold.

You look more like a GQ model than a Notre Dame quarterback, and oh yeah, you’re likely to be the first pick in April’s NFL Draft.

Life’s good, huh?

Yeah, life’s good. That is until you do the math and realize it’s just as likely the team that will be holding that first spot in the draft is the Detroit Lions. And that’s where Brady immediately crosses everything off his Christmas list, scrapping such things as a Fiesta Bowl victory and a defense, the list now looking like this:

Brady’s Christmas List

1. Lions wins

2. Raiders losses

Santa, I have been a good kid all year. I listened to everything Charlie told me to do, and now I’m the top-rated player in the draft. Experts think I’m going to go first overall, which is great, unless that means going to Detroit! Remember that remote control car I wrote to you about in 6th grade? I know I said I wanted it more than anything … until now! Seriously Santa, you can’t give me to the Lions. Don’t let me down!


Well, since Lions wins are much more unlikely than Raiders losses, I’ve decided to get into the holiday spirit and give Brady and his family hope. Too often we think past the true meaning of the season: giving. It’s the least I could do.

Imagine sitting at Christmas dinner, knowing you’re going to be drafted by the Lions—as a quarterback, nonetheless. That’s the pro athlete’s equivalent to a criminal knowing he’s going to serve 8 years in prison in a couple months, and can’t do anything about it. Or, just imagine sitting in on the Quinn’s Christmas dinner this year:

Mr. Quinn: Well Brady, at least you can keep your number in Detroit.
Brady: DAD!
Mrs. Quinn: Honey, what did we say about using the D-word at the dinner table?

So, Brady, before those nightmares you’ve been having become reality, and before you can’t look yourself in the mirror without picturing that cute Honolulu blue uniform on, read this letter, on behalf of Detroit Lions fans everywhere, not only promising hope and a better day, but also promising more losses than wins every year from now on.

Dear Brady,

Congratulations! It appears as if you’re going to be the first-round draft pick of our Detroit Lions. Before we get into how honored we believe you are, lets first highlight what exactly that means, being a Lions first-round pick.

Of course, it means you’re going to make a lot of money. That’s always worth something, especially with what you’re about to encounter. We’re guessing after it’s all said and done, you won’t think the experience was worth the money. It’s alright though, because as a Lions first-rounder, you’re entitled to a second chance. One that nearly every coach out there will give you, because the Lions, unlike your coach, have the ability to turn what looks and feels like gold into—well, you know. First, you must make it out in one piece, something Joey Harrington almost didn’t accomplish. But look at Joey now, living in Miami with the skies clear and blue. Translation: that post-Lions career can’t come soon enough!

Now, we’re sure you know of the Lions rich tradition of quarterbacks, especially high draft picks, beginning with Andre Ware and more recently, the bewildered Harrington, Detroit’s all-time favorite whipping boy. But the blue-chippers aren’t the only quarterbacks embedded in Lions greatness. We also boast the stellar tenures of Scott Mitchell and currently, Jon Kitna. All of these quarterbacks have brought the Lions a grand total of zero playoff wins. Judging by past history, winning and stardom is virtually in the bag!

People say that being a Lions quarterback is the hardest job in the city. Don’t listen to them. The hardest job in the city is being a Lions quarterback that was drafted by Matt Millen. The fans will adore you if the team starts winning, but honestly, that’s not looking very good with Millen at the helm. Many people think of Millen as a joke. I don’t, I prefer to think of him as a guy sitting in his car that’s stuck in the snow, jolly and dumbfounded as the rest of the league passes him by. He’s a nice guy, and what better a situation to enter than one with a nice boss?

Sure, the Lions have never won a Super Bowl and they have lost 10 or more games each of the past 6 years, but things are looking up, Brady, and it starts with you. We’ll shower you with accolades before you take your first snap, and we’ll praise you with every touchdown pass you throw, but just savor that first touchdown, because it’s all downhill from there. See, that 23-71 record, it’s not as bad as you think. We need you! There is hope here! See you in April!


What’s Left of the Detroit Lions Fanbase

Now, on to the letters for Adrian Peterson and Joe Thomas. Heck, we might as well write one to Calvin Johnson too. Millen does have a thing for receivers, doesn’t he?

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